Devotionals for the Heart: How to heal after a relationship wounded you

Relationships After Woundedness
A devotional by Christine Monteiro

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

—Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)

Starting a relationship is never easy, especially after you are used to being alone or when you grow into knowing who you are and your worth. Sometimes, I used to wonder why the smallest things would trigger silence or sarcasm in a relationship.

Why does the love he talked about feel more like a performance test that is so hard to pass? Then I realized I was standing in the fallout of someone else’s wound. A profound wound that can triggered easily.

Unhealed trauma doesn’t just live inside the person, it leaks. It leaks into conversations, into decisions, into love. And if you are not careful, it will start changing you too. In the beginning, I thought it was me because I was not used to a relationship and tend to feel foreign with new people in my life. Sometimes, I still hang on to the past. The nights began to feel heavy and draining. I felt like I was walking on eggshells because I had to think carefully before I speak or do something to prevent a quarrel or misunderstanding. I started to lose myself. I begin to crave peace. Suddenly, Hebrews 12:14-15 starts to make sense to me. It is an encouragement to make peace with everyone.

About 20 years ago, I joined a group called Beauty from Ashes for the first time. I joined that group because I knew I was broken and needed to be healed in so many areas of my life. I feel like I'm having a hard time relating to people, especially in a romantic relationship. I never felt enough love and was afraid of rejection. I was very sensitive. I get offended easily when I feel insecure. I realized I was suffering from that feeling. So, at that time, I wanted to grow and learn how to outgrow my insecurity. I needed to overcome my trauma and pull out the root cause of my insecurity.

The way I coped with relationships was I made excuses for the behavior of others toward me. I started adjusting myself to avoid their reactions. I tried to please everybody, even when I disagreed with them. Slowly but surely, I began to lose myself. Who I am and who I imagine myself to have become different people.

The Beauty from Ashes group session was brutal. It literally beat me up deeply, especially when it touched my childhood. I finally was able to find the root cause that made me suffer and unhappy with life. I thought if I loved them right, they would like me, and I can feel safe. But it's not a reward for our love. It's a surrender they must make to God. I started to seek and hold on to God more. I put my insecurity in then hands of Jesus Christ and learned how to trust Him more. I began to create boundaries and not let anybody use me or take advantage of my kindness. I learned that forgiveness didn't mean I had to stay. It meant I no longer allowed their pain to become my prison. Because sometimes, we never know that there are people who have more pain around us and we don't realize but then we blame ourselves.

Boundaries protect you. It's like building a fence around your house and you decide who can walk past it. It is the way to protect yourself. Because I am healed now, when I see the potential of somebody trying to hurt me or use me, I can immediately sense it and withdraw myself from such a relationship. You have the discernment for the toxic person. By having that discernment, you protect yourself from trouble.

Having a relationship with people who are wounded is not easy. If you are not equipped or willing to endure it, you can step out and pray for them and offer help, not when you are in the relationship. Some people struggle to recognize that they are wounded. Some become comfortable with their pain. It is God’s job to heal them. We have to put them in God’s hands to be healed. 

Let's Pray:

Dear Heavenly Father, 

I am thankful that You sent us the Holy Spirit to be with us always. Thank You for the discernment that You give us when we listen to your Holy Spirit and trust our gut. I lift up people who hurt me—not in anger but in mercy. Heal what I cannot. Restore what I've lost. And teach me to walk in freedom, even when others choose to stay wounded. I am grateful to have you as my Healer. I pray that the Holy Spirit will comfort and heal those who are wounded. In Jesus's Name, I pray. Amen.

Song of Reflection #1: “Jesus is My Healer” by Gateway Worship. Listen to it here.

Song of Reflection #2: “Whisper of Your Grace” by Pulse Tracks. Listen to it here.

Song of Reflection #3: “You Restore My Soul” by New Wine Worship. Listen to it here.

~*~

Author Bio:

Christine Monteiro is a certified transformative coach, writer, and keynote speaker who is passionate about helping others navigate the complexities of purpose, personal growth, and resilience. 

Christine’s journey to becoming a coach started four years ago, following the loss of her husband to brain cancer. That experience left her feeling as though she had lost her purpose—a feeling she deeply understands in clients who she works with now. Through self-discovery and training, Christine found the missing pieces in her life and regained her purpose and drive that now motivates her to help others.

Christine coaches her clients from all walks of life—from young adults to retirees—helping them to embrace change, set meaningful goals, and confidently pursue their dreams. She has received training through Creative Results Management and holds credentials from the International Coaching Federation (ICF). Christine also has certifications in Positive Psychology and Mental Health Coaching from Yale and Light University. Her diverse approach to coaching her clients combines empathy with strategic insight, helping them to navigate every stage of life.

When she writes, Christine likes to focus on topics like finding purpose, coping with grief, and achieving personal transformation. As she writes, Christine draws from her own experiences as a single mom and empty nester. She enjoys sharing these insights on various platforms to reach a wider audience and foster community support.

When not coaching or writing, Christine spends her time sipping black coffee and swimming in the pool. She has found that having three independent children gives her a privilege to have a lot of “me time” that she didn’t have when they were growing up.